i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
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She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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