We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Randomize
