im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
