Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.