i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
