My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
