if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
