i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
