It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
We need a shit load of segways right now
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
