i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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