Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Drunk is not a location!
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
