WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
