i don't like sucking hair
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
21 Ladies Reveal The Sexiest Thing A Man Can Do In A Public Setting
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!