I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
