she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
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I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
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It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
And then my night got REAL pukey
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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