the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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