2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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