I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
