I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
