some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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