Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
