My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
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