I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
