thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
