When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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