i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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