my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
We smell like vodka and hangover
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