he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
