I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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