I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
