I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
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That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
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Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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