I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
