Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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