You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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