tell your sister to shave her snatch
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
