he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
my shit smells like andre
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
She even gives head with a lisp.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
