better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
