so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
