She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
