A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
