U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
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We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
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When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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