my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
