just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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