I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
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I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
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I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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