Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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