you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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