When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
