I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize