I am puke
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
