i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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