I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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