Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Randomize
