Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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